Bachelor Recap: Week 1 Uncensored
It’s Bachelor time. Oh, it’s sooooo on.
Quick recap as to why on earth I’m putting this on the website:
Two seasons ago, I was watching the Bachelor and was dying to talk to people about it. I really just wanted to rag on everyone and everything that was happening. Turns out, I found a LOT of people who wanted to do the same thing. Long story short, we have a private Facebook group called No Thinking Required. It’s a completely honest, no edit group where you say what you think when you think it. They are awesome! We are from all over the country, many of us don’t know each other outside the group but we’ve grown so close that we even had a Christmas gift exchange this year. Apparently, I feel like exchanging gifts is the sign of a friend.
If you aren’t offended by much and would want to watch the show with all of us LIVE (Pacific Time – I actually wait for three hours to be online with them), let me know and we’ll include you in the group.
After being a faithful Bachelor/Bachelorette viewer, I’m not so excited about Sean being the Bachelor. In fact, I’ve been disappointed the past four seasons. Ashley, Ben, Emily. I mean, seriously? DRAB. I want drama from both sides.
I have to credit ABC for their amazingness in making an infographic for all the girls on the show and a key letting us know the deets of their life. I mean, how amazing is this thing:
On to live blogging.
FRICK! I swear I’m missing something in my brain to where I can’t seem to schedule my Tivo correctly. There was another show that got priority over the Bachelor. I raced to my TV to start recording but missed 37 minutes of it. Do you know how much I can fit into a Facebook feed in 37 minutes? No “meeting the girls” for me. I’m getting updates from my No Thinking Required girlfriends and this is how they keep me in the loop:
Margie: These ladies are crazy and we haven’t even met them!
Brittany: You can already tell that Burnett is a psycho beeotch!
Tawsha: Are they doing the “meet the ladies” part right now.
Margie: not yet
Margie: We are seeing his family
Tawsha: The dorky ones who thought it was funny to “cook” an armadillo for Emily? Are they still geeks?
Brittany: He’s already skipping rocks on the water…
Margie: …and walking through the waves, they need some new moves.
Patti: Ha, the armadillo – wow, that was amazing. I got high-centered on the tricky messy bedroom trick. We’re really in for some crazy shenanigans this season aren’t we? Ugh.
Patti: I’ve really, really missed hearing “journey” and “the next level” for these past couple months. Thank GOD we get to hear it again – like every two frickin minutes!
Margie: Arie is there, ugh…and giving him kissing advice, weird.
Tawsha: How? WTF?
Brittany: Right? Bizarre
Suzie: That’s Arie? Man, why don’t I remember any of these guys? Oh that’s right…..I can’t STAND Emily…..so I didn’t watch….
Patti: Okay, that conversation between Arie and Sean was weird. Forced much? Boring.
scripted!
Brittany: I think production wants their credit
Patti: Totally. Oh my god – this is not a great coupling between the two of them.
Suzie: this is just weird! Now they are talking about tounges!! ick!
Patti: Is this really happening? How old is Sean and he’s needing kissing instruction? Are the two of them going to hook up? Ewww.
Brittany: Maybe they have some feelings for each other?
Margie: They are acting like dipshits.
Paula: Did you girls see this? http://beta.abc.go.com/shows/the-bachelor/blogs/extras/cheat-sheet might help us keep em all straight!
The final run through before Sean meets the girls and I’m reading comments that pick apart these poor girls all the way down to the spelling of their names. I’m totally dying right now (and ducking because my name has a random W in the middle). But seriously, AshLee? Why the capital letter? However, she’s a professional organizer. She must be amazing.
Now I’m watching. Sean has pulled up in his limo and the girls are ready to get out. Get ready for a bit of psycho.
The first limo pulls up and Sean is standing there praying. I respect that, I truly do. However, in this case, no prayer can keep the crazies away.
I can’t keep track of these girls’ names right now. There will be a total of 26 and many will be eliminated tonight. Let’s not take the time to get to know them. Who is coming out of the limo? We’ve got a sweet girl, one who wants to leave her mark, one who conveniently pulls a Kleenex out of her cleavage to wipe the kiss away (my Kleenex would have been soaking wet), one who seems normal, one who is from Nashville (PLEASE don’t let me down – she sang? Ugh.).
Also out of the limo is another normal came along then there’s Slutty McSlutterson who talks about 50 Shades of Grey while pulling a tie out of her dress. Seriously?
We’ve been graced with a back walkover, oh, and then anoth— wait, not another. WTF just happened. She totally fell. Why do these girls go above and beyond to impress when they know there’s a chance they will embarrass themselves? OMG, Paige is on. I loved her on Bachelor Pad. She was a fan who got to go on the show. Pleeeeease let her be normal. Uh oh, now we have Tierra who Sean ditched to go get something. I’m thinking it’s a first impression rose. That was quick if so. They’ve never done that. Oh boy, Chris Harrison must be getting his “this is the first in Bachelor history” line all ready.
Oh, shizz is gonna go down in the house. There’s a first impression rose given out before Tierra heads into the house. As if the girls aren’t going to hate her THE SECOND she walks through that door. She’s already made enemies. Although, you can’t deny the connection Sean and Tierra had. I know I feel a connection with someone under spotlights, in front of cameras, in a total of 10 seconds of conversation that’s rehearsed.
Now the rest of the girls are just going through the motions. Oh, hold up. We’ve got a threatening football player. Why don’t I get what she’s doing? She’s running a play but has her face all up in Sean’s butt. Please fart. Please fart. Oh wow, meet Ashley H who I will call “By the Sea Barbie.” She’s wearing something only Barbie would wear. Oh wait, to top it off, we’re seeing a wedding dress. She will be known as “Bridal Barbie.” Both look like asses in their dresses.
Here comes the surprise girl!
It’s KACIE B from Ben’s season! I have to admit that I think she’s precious. Yup, a nice thing just came out of my mouth. I don’t mean to sound hateful but it’s so easy to rip on these girls. I would never do a show like this because people like me would have a heyday with me!
Okay, we’re in the “Lion’s Den” as Kacie likes to call it. She definitely took the attention off of the first impression rose girl. Now the others are all “It’s not fair that Kacie is back. She had her shot with Ben.” Let’s get real, girls. Ben was no prize so let Kacie have this moment. It’s technically her first chance.
As everyone is mingling, Sean keeps coming up with these roses. In the past, there was only the first impression rose. Now there are three roses. Um… “I will design my own bridal gown” girl gets the second rose. Huh. Wait, there’s 4. No, 5. Okay, I’m done counting. Is there going to be no rose ceremony tonight? Does he have a rose bush in his back pocket?
Bridal Barbie wonders whether or not Sean gets the “joke” about the gown. Oh geez. As if Sean really thought you were truly proposing. You’re so drunk; you can’t put a sentence together. However, you have been upstaged by Slutty McSlutterson/50 Shades of Grey dancer girl. How on earth does she keep hiding the tie in her dress? That’s just tragic and talent all at once. And theennnnn she falls down the stairs. Bless her hearrrrrt.
Let’s get real for a second. I’ve never been in a position where a bunch of hot females fight over one guy. This is awesome to see how the “others” live. Let me say “tragic” one more time.
Hold the phone. Sarah is all self-conscious about having one arm. I absolutely hate that she feels that way. She’s actually one of the only logical thinkers and normal girls on the show. Pleeeeease let her get far for so many reasons. 1. For confidence. 2. For us to have someone normal to watch.
Okay, deep breath. Taking a quick break. How are you feeling so far? Yes, you, dear reader.
Ladies and Gentlemen, we’ve got a rose ceremony. I thought we would have to miss out on Chris Harrison’s staple phrases like, “This is the most dramatic rose ceremony in Bachelor history” and “Ladies, this is the final rose tonight…Sean, when you’re ready…”. It’s all the same and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Eliminations and Spoiler alerts:
Dude, seriously?!?!? Paige is eliminated the first time on both the Bachelor Pad and the Bachelor. I bet her confidence is crushed. I know mine would be. By the Sea Barbie doesn’t get picked. She’s all distraught.
Blah blah blah, more happened, blah blah blah, previews.
And then…
Slutty McSlutterson does her goodbye performance in her sparkly dress while she’s hammered. This was epic. What on EARTH is she doing? She’s showing her tattoo that is so high on her hip, I’m afraid we’re going to see her baby maker, she’s dancing around, she’s flossing her ass with that freaking tie. Oh my gosh, she’s insane. WHY DID SHE HAVE TO GO!?!?!
Next week is a new week and we’ve got more new people in the group. Monday nights are the best when The Bachelor/Bachelorette is on. I love it!
If you’re interested, here we are: FACEBOOK BACHELOR GROUP.
Have a good one!
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