Guest Post: Episode 1. Just a Fart in the Wind

Part of knowing me is knowing my friends. They make me who I am and are the recipients of my crap on a daily basis. Mel is the recipient of ALL my crap. I met Mel (Melinda to those who don’t know better) almost 10 years ago. I was invited to take a boot camp class. Mel was the first person to say “hi” to me but just kept staring. What was she looking for? She wanted to know if I was going to barf during that class. Um…yep. Pretty much wanted to. Her staring posed a competition. It was me vs. my gag reflex. I could do this. No barf for me.

Point is: Mel is one of the best people I know. Since I moved from Seattle to Nashville, I’ve been in search of someone like Mel. What I’m learning is that this girl is one-of-a-kind. I’ll keep her forever. Mel just moved from Seattle and she has been sharing the most hilarious stories with me. I asked her if she’d write about it.

__________________________________________________

I recently moved across the damn country.  Why you ask?  Oh cause the husband got a job close to D.C. so we packed up our world and headed east.  We went from Seattle to Leesburg, Virginia.  No, not West Virginia – I didn’t marry my brother, and I don’t drive to work on a combine.  Northern Virginia, or as the locals call it ‘NOVA’ – super close to D.C.  Ask me if I’ve actually driven into D.C. since I moved here two months ago and I’d tell you NO.  Not because I don’t like the town but because I’m still trying to get used to this little town called Leesburg.  Look it up…it’s cute.

However, the one thing it’s lacking is friends for Mel. Before I moved here, I was worried I wouldn’t find anyone to hang out with. Thankfully I had ONE, count that…ONE friend on the east coast, and I adore her, but I want to add to my circle.  I need a posse to call my own. A little something about me – this bitch is social.  I’m not sure when it happened – I don’t remember being super social when I was younger, but I guess I probably was.  I mean it doesn’t happen overnight, so clearly I’ve been this way for a long time and never even realized it.

So anyway, I’m gonna blow through some small details to get to the goods, and the point of this post.

I moved here. My hair was in need of some love. I searched Yelp. Found a cute place. Made an appointment. Got to chatting during the appointment, and was invited out that weekend for drinks at a local bar.  YES! I’m making progress quickly, and this whole making friends thing won’t be that hard.  Um, yeah…ok…just keep reading…it gets so much better.

So I call my one friend, V,  and invited her to come with me.  Another thing about me – I normally like to travel in groups of two or more. Showing up alone gives me the armpit sweats and an awkward smile, so I try to avoid it or I end up looking like I’m constipated with a sweat gland issue.  Anyway, we meet at a place that looks good for dinner.  Um, mind you we are both new to the area and don’t really get out of our yoga pants often, so we stepped it up a notch – our pants had buttons. GASP, I know.  The place I picked looked nice enough.  I walk in before V got there and realized it’s for the older crowd, like the crowd where the men wear some type of Dockers at all times and the women are in Estee Lauder….you know the type,  and don’t act like you don’t.  Oh well, we are here and we are gonna eat. Food was delish, wine was even better, and the older guy on the piano signing and playing about 10 feet from us was a great add.  V and I wondered who invited Elton John.  Pretty sure it looked like she and I were on a date.  Whatever, she’s hot so I’m okay with it.

Next, we meet up with the new crowd at a sports bar.

A. V and I are over dressed

B. We’re both super nervous to walk into a bar where we know NO ONE.

We get in there, find my new friends, and sit down and get to chatting.  Things were going great. Everyone was super nice.  Some older, some younger, some married, some not.  Group seemed cool. Some time later the surroundings got quiet and I was just talking to two of the girls. One girl had just had a bunch of botox done to her face, so I was getting her to make different faces. When her face didn’t move even one millimeter I thought it was funny and would laugh.  I have a super loud laugh at times.  It pretty much scares small children and it’s a lot to take in all at once.  Sometimes I laugh so hard I go silent, then end up gasping for air.  A real hot effin’ mess. Whatever, I own it.  So here is what happened next:

Me: “Ok, so try to scrunch your nose and wrinkle your eyebrows like this” (insert me making a weird face)

Botox: “Ok” (insert her trying and nothing happening)

Me: (laughing so hard I farted)

Yup, you heard that sh*t right.  I. LAUGHED. SO. HARD. I. FARTED

Here’s the kicker – it’s not like my tummy was upset and I was holding it in. I had NO CLUE it was even on the horizon.  Was it loud, you ask? And I would respond with ‘UM, YES!’ Now here is where the details get hazy.  I remember hearing it, and thinking ‘OHMYEFFINGOD did that seriously just happen?’, then turning my head super fast to the left and catching myself because what I was doing was looking BEHIND me.  Nothing gives you away faster than to TURN AROUND to see what just happened.  I’ll tell you what happened – YOU FARTED, BITCH.  Nice work.

See, if I was at home with all of my old friends, they would just say ‘Nice work Mel’ and we would move on like nothing happened. No. Big. Deal. However, when you BLOW ASS in public in front of people you have literally known for about 27 minutes – yeah, it makes an impact. FML.

So how does one recover?  Yeah, not sure.  Thankfully it was odorless, and thankfully the bar started to get loud again and we kinda moved on to a different topic, all the while I’m saying in my head ‘I want to die. I want to die. I want to die.’  The night goes on and it’s totally fine on the surface, but you KNOW they heard it, and you KNOW they are dying to talk about it. I’m officially ‘the new girl who farts’. YAY.

Favorite part?  When I get home I tell my husband the story and he laughs and says, ‘Yeah, they will be talking about you at the salon tomorrow!’  So sweet.  But dude, he’s right.

You may be wondering if anyone from that group has called to invite me to another place to drop ass?  I’ll keep you in suspense until my next post.  Gotta keep you bastards wanting more!

Love,