‘Tis Monday night and here I sit with a group of ladies (a large group, I might add) all within the No Thinking Required Facebook group. We’re watching The Bachelor together for what is the most intense and interactive night of my week. Seriously, I feel as nerdy as those guys who play video games with people around the world and wear those douchy headsets to communicate. As redic as I feel talking about it, the feeling of watching the show without all these hilarious people is worse.
I don’t plan to move from my comfy chair for two hours. How sloth does that make me sound? I plan to do the Insanity workout tomorrow so don’t judge. Well, do judge…that way I know we’re similar people.
Opening scene and Sean is shirtless working out and showering. I think that’s what producers resort to when a person is uninteresting.
FIRST DATE: SARAH AND THE HELICOPTER
A helicopter comes to pick them up. Naturally. The two take off to and Sean is awkwardly trying to figure out where to put his hand because she has one arm. This is me not being judgmental – I can actually understand. When you aren’t comfortable with a situation, what’s the best way to approach? Well, ask her… but that won’t be aired because it’s a nice thing and we just want drama.
Sean doesn’t excel at small talk. I’ll just go ahead and start by slamming the poor guy. Just about every female in our No Thinking Required Facebook Group (Bachelor Monday group) loves him. I stand alone…almost. It won’t last long. The girls will see right through his boring ways.
Sarah and Sean meet for a champagne toast which starts by falling down a building. Don’t worry, Sarah, Sean will catch you with his big muscles they showed in the workout and shower scene when the show started. On three they will go… 1… 2… 3! At that point, I would have sh*t my pants completely down the building. What a lovely sight that would have been. He’d want to propose to me right when we landed on the ground. That’s how classy I am.
As with every date, there are two parts. We’ve watched the challenge and now we’re on to the formal/drinking/dinner/deep conversation part where tears are shed or kisses are, um, kissed. Actually, the kissing part barely happens. Drinking game: Every time you think Sean is going to kiss someone and doesn’t, you drink. You’ll be hammered.
So, Sarah and Sean do the free fall down the building and then suddenly Sarah has a story about not being allowed to zipline. Apparently, if it can’t happen in real life, it can happen on The Bachelor.
Sean says he can’t imagine having much more fun that this. Um…wow. I could have thrown in a load of laundry and read about Lance Armstrong admitting to taking performance enhancement drugs. Oh wait, I did. BORING date.
Side note: Sean is wary of fame-seekers on the show. Um…duh! Article HERE. Come back when you’re done reading.
SECOND DATE: GROUP DATE PHOTO SHOOT
It’s a Harlequin photo shoot and there are some girls who are so pumped to get their picture taken (again) and feel the need to practice duck lips. Um, girls, you’ve got it. Promise.
“Tacky hos are a dime a dozen.” – photo shoot makeup artist. Who is she and why isn’t she on the show? We need her!
The girls are in hair and makeup and Tierra is going all psycho. She’s calling out girls with extensions. Um…seriously? As if that’s something unheard of. I have clip in extensions in a box in my bathroom. That’s the way to be. Maybe Tierra could try it out and add a bit more volume. I think I’d be a huge fan and think she’s adorable if she wasn’t so bat sh*t crazy. She has a name. According to Mary in our No Thinking Required Group, she is Boobs McGee.
While the girls are doing their own Harlequin book cover scenes, the others are complimenting the great chemistry of one another. Meanwhile Boobs McGee is all, “I’m not gonna let it get to me,” while her chin quivers and she’s holding back tears.
Question: Is Sean a good kisser? I know Arie did his whole “I’ll show you how it’s done” during the first episode. I keep watching Sean on his limited kisses (which is rare on this show) and I don’t see him settling into the groove. It feels awkward like a first kiss. He’s stiff and has no finesse. Am I way off base? I need to ask Emily from the Bachelorette. Does anyone know Emily? Has anyone researched this? Please share. Inquiring minds want to know.
The ol’ second-parter is just the girls trying and minimally succeeding on getting Sean’s attention and trying to kiss him. Awkward. Again. Remember when you arranged to have your first kiss (or was that just me)? Everything was awkward but once you got it over with, you had your first kiss and the pressure to have that kiss was gone. What? You didn’t? Well, TJ and I did. Sean is doing that but worse. He pulls back as if it’s a shock that these girls wearing a nightgown-sized dresses would actually go in for a kiss. We’re not in a boardroom going over the latest sales numbers when your co-worker goes in for a kiss.
Kacie asks if it’s weird that she joined the show to get to know him better. Sean hesitated a lot. He doesn’t want to hurt her feelings. Refer to the article before this second date.
As we make our way through the girls, something comes to mind. See a resemblance? It’s Katie. Was she in Disney’s Brave? Huh. Ponder.
Back to Kacie – cuz Katie isn’t doing much right now. Kacie actually has the nerve to speak logically and the rest of the girls are completely appalled. Kacie says that it’s fine that everyone gets their opportunity with Sean. You’d think she was plotting to burn their extensions and bikinis. Travesty.
Oh dayum!!! Disney’s Pixars Brave left! Katie doesn’t feel like the show is right for her. NICE WORK, GIRL! #TEAMKATIE. She’s back in the spotlight!
THIRD DATE: ART EXHIBIT PRANK
Sean pulls out his prank side for this date with Desiree. If you watched when Emily was the Bachelorette, you saw that Sean pulled a prank on a hometown date. He acted like he lived with his parents and then cooked up an armadillo for dinner. The thing with Sean is that his pranks don’t really go anywhere. There’s not a lot of humor, it’s just pranks.
Desiree is a cool chick. She and Sean are connecting on their deep talk date and then swimsuit model session/hot tub scene. Oh for eff’s sake. Sean took off his shirt…AGAIN! I know it would be weird if he was wearing his shirt in the hot tub but if he wore it more than he didn’t, it wouldn’t seem so tiresome.
“Are we watching a damn Hallmark movie?” – Deena from the No Thinking Required group. No joke, Deena. WTF is this syrupy stuff? The best Bachelor episodes are the ones where you wonder if your 7th grade health teacher was correct in saying that it’s possible to get pregnant from kissing in a hot tub.
COCKTAIL PARTY
I’ll be honest, I just got sidetracked. I was chatting with the girls about how freaking boring this show is. The girls are trying so hard with a guy who doesn’t have any swagger.
Whoa, hold the phone. What is the DEAL with Amanda? She’s just sitting on the couch in her yellow dress with an odd “I want to boil your bunny” face. Is she crazy? Paula’s husband (the only guy partaking in this show) says that he thinks she pooped her dress and now she’s too embarrassed to get up. And she’s being mean so all the girls will stay away so they can’t smell it.
We go from psycho/poop in her pants Amanda to a conversation about race. Sean talks about the fact that race doesn’t play a part in the ladies he dates. That was the most awkward conversation with “Back walkover Robyn” about how he was asked about the type of girl he likes and he mentioned qualities first and looks second. While I actually believe it, he talks about his last girlfriend being black. Well played, ABC. Well played. Again, refer to the article link I posted before the Second Date recap.
ROSE CEREMONY
Lesley is cool. Just FYI. She seems normal. Sean was successful in keeping the crazies along with the cool chicks. This show is odd. Just when you think it’s going in one direction, things sort of come to a close. There’s no build up. It’s anticlimactic in every way. The kisses barely happen, the conversations are awkward and the drama needs to be created outside of Sean so there’s something to watch.
The episode is over. Just like that. Um…it leaves me wanting more in a non-suspenseful way. Good news: It’s time to switch my laundry.
I need some dirt on this show or a drinking game. Something. Please. Next Monday: Same time, same place?
It’s Bachelor time. Oh, it’s sooooo on.
Quick recap as to why on earth I’m putting this on the website:
Two seasons ago, I was watching the Bachelor and was dying to talk to people about it. I really just wanted to rag on everyone and everything that was happening. Turns out, I found a LOT of people who wanted to do the same thing. Long story short, we have a private Facebook group called No Thinking Required. It’s a completely honest, no edit group where you say what you think when you think it. They are awesome! We are from all over the country, many of us don’t know each other outside the group but we’ve grown so close that we even had a Christmas gift exchange this year. Apparently, I feel like exchanging gifts is the sign of a friend.
If you aren’t offended by much and would want to watch the show with all of us LIVE (Pacific Time – I actually wait for three hours to be online with them), let me know and we’ll include you in the group.
After being a faithful Bachelor/Bachelorette viewer, I’m not so excited about Sean being the Bachelor. In fact, I’ve been disappointed the past four seasons. Ashley, Ben, Emily. I mean, seriously? DRAB. I want drama from both sides.
I have to credit ABC for their amazingness in making an infographic for all the girls on the show and a key letting us know the deets of their life. I mean, how amazing is this thing:
On to live blogging.
FRICK! I swear I’m missing something in my brain to where I can’t seem to schedule my Tivo correctly. There was another show that got priority over the Bachelor. I raced to my TV to start recording but missed 37 minutes of it. Do you know how much I can fit into a Facebook feed in 37 minutes? No “meeting the girls” for me. I’m getting updates from my No Thinking Required girlfriends and this is how they keep me in the loop:
Margie: These ladies are crazy and we haven’t even met them!
Brittany: You can already tell that Burnett is a psycho beeotch!
Tawsha: Are they doing the “meet the ladies” part right now.
Margie: not yet
Margie: We are seeing his family
Tawsha: The dorky ones who thought it was funny to “cook” an armadillo for Emily? Are they still geeks?
Brittany: He’s already skipping rocks on the water…
Margie: …and walking through the waves, they need some new moves.
Patti: Ha, the armadillo – wow, that was amazing. I got high-centered on the tricky messy bedroom trick. We’re really in for some crazy shenanigans this season aren’t we? Ugh.
Patti: I’ve really, really missed hearing “journey” and “the next level” for these past couple months. Thank GOD we get to hear it again – like every two frickin minutes!
Margie: Arie is there, ugh…and giving him kissing advice, weird.
Tawsha: How? WTF?
Brittany: Right? Bizarre
Suzie: That’s Arie? Man, why don’t I remember any of these guys? Oh that’s right…..I can’t STAND Emily…..so I didn’t watch….
Patti: Okay, that conversation between Arie and Sean was weird. Forced much? Boring.
scripted!
Brittany: I think production wants their credit
Patti: Totally. Oh my god – this is not a great coupling between the two of them.
Suzie: this is just weird! Now they are talking about tounges!! ick!
Patti: Is this really happening? How old is Sean and he’s needing kissing instruction? Are the two of them going to hook up? Ewww.
Brittany: Maybe they have some feelings for each other?
Margie: They are acting like dipshits.
The final run through before Sean meets the girls and I’m reading comments that pick apart these poor girls all the way down to the spelling of their names. I’m totally dying right now (and ducking because my name has a random W in the middle). But seriously, AshLee? Why the capital letter? However, she’s a professional organizer. She must be amazing.
Now I’m watching. Sean has pulled up in his limo and the girls are ready to get out. Get ready for a bit of psycho.
The first limo pulls up and Sean is standing there praying. I respect that, I truly do. However, in this case, no prayer can keep the crazies away.
I can’t keep track of these girls’ names right now. There will be a total of 26 and many will be eliminated tonight. Let’s not take the time to get to know them. Who is coming out of the limo? We’ve got a sweet girl, one who wants to leave her mark, one who conveniently pulls a Kleenex out of her cleavage to wipe the kiss away (my Kleenex would have been soaking wet), one who seems normal, one who is from Nashville (PLEASE don’t let me down – she sang? Ugh.).
Also out of the limo is another normal came along then there’s Slutty McSlutterson who talks about 50 Shades of Grey while pulling a tie out of her dress. Seriously?
We’ve been graced with a back walkover, oh, and then anoth— wait, not another. WTF just happened. She totally fell. Why do these girls go above and beyond to impress when they know there’s a chance they will embarrass themselves? OMG, Paige is on. I loved her on Bachelor Pad. She was a fan who got to go on the show. Pleeeeease let her be normal. Uh oh, now we have Tierra who Sean ditched to go get something. I’m thinking it’s a first impression rose. That was quick if so. They’ve never done that. Oh boy, Chris Harrison must be getting his “this is the first in Bachelor history” line all ready.
Oh, shizz is gonna go down in the house. There’s a first impression rose given out before Tierra heads into the house. As if the girls aren’t going to hate her THE SECOND she walks through that door. She’s already made enemies. Although, you can’t deny the connection Sean and Tierra had. I know I feel a connection with someone under spotlights, in front of cameras, in a total of 10 seconds of conversation that’s rehearsed.
Now the rest of the girls are just going through the motions. Oh, hold up. We’ve got a threatening football player. Why don’t I get what she’s doing? She’s running a play but has her face all up in Sean’s butt. Please fart. Please fart. Oh wow, meet Ashley H who I will call “By the Sea Barbie.” She’s wearing something only Barbie would wear. Oh wait, to top it off, we’re seeing a wedding dress. She will be known as “Bridal Barbie.” Both look like asses in their dresses.
Here comes the surprise girl!
It’s KACIE B from Ben’s season! I have to admit that I think she’s precious. Yup, a nice thing just came out of my mouth. I don’t mean to sound hateful but it’s so easy to rip on these girls. I would never do a show like this because people like me would have a heyday with me!
Okay, we’re in the “Lion’s Den” as Kacie likes to call it. She definitely took the attention off of the first impression rose girl. Now the others are all “It’s not fair that Kacie is back. She had her shot with Ben.” Let’s get real, girls. Ben was no prize so let Kacie have this moment. It’s technically her first chance.
As everyone is mingling, Sean keeps coming up with these roses. In the past, there was only the first impression rose. Now there are three roses. Um… “I will design my own bridal gown” girl gets the second rose. Huh. Wait, there’s 4. No, 5. Okay, I’m done counting. Is there going to be no rose ceremony tonight? Does he have a rose bush in his back pocket?
Bridal Barbie wonders whether or not Sean gets the “joke” about the gown. Oh geez. As if Sean really thought you were truly proposing. You’re so drunk; you can’t put a sentence together. However, you have been upstaged by Slutty McSlutterson/50 Shades of Grey dancer girl. How on earth does she keep hiding the tie in her dress? That’s just tragic and talent all at once. And theennnnn she falls down the stairs. Bless her hearrrrrt.
Let’s get real for a second. I’ve never been in a position where a bunch of hot females fight over one guy. This is awesome to see how the “others” live. Let me say “tragic” one more time.
Hold the phone. Sarah is all self-conscious about having one arm. I absolutely hate that she feels that way. She’s actually one of the only logical thinkers and normal girls on the show. Pleeeeease let her get far for so many reasons. 1. For confidence. 2. For us to have someone normal to watch.
Okay, deep breath. Taking a quick break. How are you feeling so far? Yes, you, dear reader.
Ladies and Gentlemen, we’ve got a rose ceremony. I thought we would have to miss out on Chris Harrison’s staple phrases like, “This is the most dramatic rose ceremony in Bachelor history” and “Ladies, this is the final rose tonight…Sean, when you’re ready…”. It’s all the same and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Eliminations and Spoiler alerts:
Dude, seriously?!?!? Paige is eliminated the first time on both the Bachelor Pad and the Bachelor. I bet her confidence is crushed. I know mine would be. By the Sea Barbie doesn’t get picked. She’s all distraught.
Blah blah blah, more happened, blah blah blah, previews.
And then…
Slutty McSlutterson does her goodbye performance in her sparkly dress while she’s hammered. This was epic. What on EARTH is she doing? She’s showing her tattoo that is so high on her hip, I’m afraid we’re going to see her baby maker, she’s dancing around, she’s flossing her ass with that freaking tie. Oh my gosh, she’s insane. WHY DID SHE HAVE TO GO!?!?!
Next week is a new week and we’ve got more new people in the group. Monday nights are the best when The Bachelor/Bachelorette is on. I love it!
If you’re interested, here we are: FACEBOOK BACHELOR GROUP.
Have a good one!
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