Bachelor Update – Episode 2: Harlequin, Psychosis and the Race Card

‘Tis Monday night and here I sit with a group of ladies (a large group, I might add) all within the No Thinking Required Facebook group. We’re watching The Bachelor together for what is the most intense and interactive night of my week. Seriously, I feel as nerdy as those guys who play video games with people around the world and wear those douchy headsets to communicate. As redic as I feel talking about it, the feeling of watching the show without all these hilarious people is worse.

I don’t plan to move from my comfy chair for two hours. How sloth does that make me sound? I plan to do the Insanity workout tomorrow so don’t judge. Well, do judge…that way I know we’re similar people.

Opening scene and Sean is shirtless working out and showering. I think that’s what producers resort to when a person is uninteresting.

FIRST DATE: SARAH AND THE HELICOPTER

A helicopter comes to pick them up. Naturally. The two take off to and Sean is awkwardly trying to figure out where to put his hand because she has one arm. This is me not being judgmental – I can actually  understand. When you aren’t comfortable with a situation, what’s the best way to approach? Well, ask her… but that won’t be aired because it’s a nice thing and we just want drama.

Sean doesn’t excel at small talk. I’ll just go ahead and start by slamming the poor guy. Just about every female in our No Thinking Required Facebook Group (Bachelor Monday group) loves him. I stand alone…almost. It won’t last long. The girls will see right through his boring ways.

Sarah and Sean meet for a champagne toast which starts by falling down a building. Don’t worry, Sarah, Sean will catch you with his big muscles they showed in the workout and shower scene when the show started. On three they will go… 1… 2… 3! At that point, I would have sh*t my pants completely down the building. What a lovely sight that would have been. He’d want to propose to me right when we landed on the ground. That’s how classy I am.

As with every date, there are two parts. We’ve watched the challenge and now we’re on to the formal/drinking/dinner/deep conversation part where tears are shed or kisses are, um, kissed.  Actually, the kissing part barely happens. Drinking game: Every time you think Sean is going to kiss someone and doesn’t, you drink. You’ll be hammered.

So, Sarah and Sean do the free fall down the building and then suddenly Sarah has a story about not being allowed to zipline. Apparently, if it can’t happen in real life, it can happen on The Bachelor.

Sean says he can’t imagine having much more fun that this. Um…wow. I could have thrown in a load of laundry and read about Lance Armstrong admitting to taking performance enhancement drugs. Oh wait, I did. BORING date.

Side note: Sean is wary of fame-seekers on the show. Um…duh! Article HERE. Come back when you’re done reading.

SECOND DATE: GROUP DATE PHOTO SHOOT

It’s a Harlequin photo shoot and there are some girls who are so pumped to get their picture taken (again) and feel the need to practice duck lips. Um, girls, you’ve got it. Promise.

“Tacky hos are a dime a dozen.” – photo shoot makeup artist. Who is she and why isn’t she on the show? We need her!

The girls are in hair and makeup and Tierra is going all psycho. She’s calling out girls with extensions. Um…seriously? As if that’s something unheard of. I have clip in extensions in a box in my bathroom. That’s the way to be. Maybe Tierra could try it out and add a bit more volume. I think I’d be a huge fan and think she’s adorable if she wasn’t so bat sh*t crazy. She has a name. According to Mary in our No Thinking Required Group, she is Boobs McGee.

While the girls are doing their own Harlequin book cover scenes, the others are complimenting the great chemistry of one another. Meanwhile Boobs McGee is all, “I’m not gonna let it get to me,” while her chin quivers and she’s holding back tears.

Question: Is Sean a good kisser? I know Arie did his whole “I’ll show you how it’s done” during the first episode. I keep watching Sean on his limited kisses (which is rare on this show) and I don’t see him settling into the groove. It feels awkward like a first kiss. He’s stiff and has no finesse. Am I way off base? I need to ask Emily from the Bachelorette. Does anyone know Emily? Has anyone researched this? Please share. Inquiring minds want to know.

The ol’ second-parter is just the girls trying and minimally succeeding on getting Sean’s attention and trying to kiss him. Awkward. Again. Remember when you arranged to have your first kiss (or was that just me)? Everything was awkward but once you got it over with, you had your first kiss and the pressure to have that kiss was gone. What? You didn’t? Well, TJ and I did. Sean is doing that but worse. He pulls back as if it’s a shock that these girls wearing a nightgown-sized dresses would actually go in for a kiss. We’re not in a boardroom going over the latest sales numbers when your co-worker goes in for a kiss.

Kacie asks if it’s weird that she joined the show to get to know him better. Sean hesitated a lot. He doesn’t want to hurt her feelings. Refer to the article before this second date.

As we make our way through the girls, something comes to mind. See a resemblance? It’s Katie. Was she in Disney’s Brave? Huh. Ponder.

Back to Kacie – cuz Katie isn’t doing much right now. Kacie actually has the nerve to speak logically and the rest of the girls are completely appalled. Kacie says that it’s fine that everyone gets their opportunity with Sean. You’d think she was plotting to burn their extensions and bikinis. Travesty.

Oh dayum!!! Disney’s Pixars Brave left! Katie doesn’t feel like the show is right for her. NICE WORK, GIRL! #TEAMKATIE. She’s back in the spotlight!

THIRD DATE: ART EXHIBIT PRANK

Sean pulls out his prank side for this date with Desiree. If you watched when Emily was the Bachelorette, you saw that Sean pulled a prank on a hometown date. He acted like he lived with his parents and then cooked up an armadillo for dinner. The thing with Sean is that his pranks don’t really go anywhere. There’s not a lot of humor, it’s just pranks.

Desiree is a cool chick. She and Sean are connecting on their deep talk date and then swimsuit model session/hot tub scene. Oh for eff’s sake. Sean took off his shirt…AGAIN! I know it would be weird if he was wearing his shirt in the hot tub but if he wore it more than he didn’t, it wouldn’t seem so tiresome.

“Are we watching a damn Hallmark movie?” – Deena from the No Thinking Required group. No joke, Deena. WTF is this syrupy stuff? The best Bachelor episodes are the ones where you wonder if your 7th grade health teacher was correct in saying that it’s possible to get pregnant from kissing in a hot tub.

COCKTAIL PARTY

I’ll be honest, I just got sidetracked. I was chatting with the girls about how freaking boring this show is. The girls are trying so hard with a guy who doesn’t have any swagger.

Whoa, hold the phone. What is the DEAL with Amanda? She’s just sitting on the couch in her yellow dress with an odd “I want to boil your bunny” face. Is she crazy? Paula’s husband (the only guy partaking in this show) says that he thinks she pooped her dress and now she’s too embarrassed to get up. And she’s being mean so all the girls will stay away so they can’t smell it.

We go from psycho/poop in her pants Amanda to a conversation about race. Sean talks about the fact that race doesn’t play a part in the ladies he dates. That was the most awkward conversation with “Back walkover Robyn” about how he was asked about the type of girl he likes and he mentioned qualities first and looks second. While I actually believe it, he talks about his last girlfriend being black. Well played, ABC. Well played. Again, refer to the article link I posted before the Second Date recap.

ROSE CEREMONY

Lesley is cool. Just FYI. She seems normal. Sean was successful in keeping the crazies along with the cool chicks. This show is odd. Just when you think it’s going in one direction, things sort of come to a close. There’s no build up. It’s anticlimactic in every way. The kisses barely happen, the conversations are awkward and the drama needs to be created outside of Sean so there’s something to watch.

The episode is over. Just like that. Um…it leaves me wanting more in a non-suspenseful way. Good news: It’s time to switch my laundry.

I need some dirt on this show or a drinking game. Something. Please. Next Monday: Same time, same place?